My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
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Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
The absolute effort that went into this omg
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
I’m aging like a fine banana
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm