Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
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Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
😏😏😏
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”