If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
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I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying