Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
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Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Guantanamo Bae
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee