once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
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him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Brb my Sims are getting married
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Not recommended for beginners.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)