ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
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“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
This was my dad’s browser history.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.