I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
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My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
They’re on their honeymoon
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
i- i did not expect this
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.