Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
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The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Pickled cat.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]