The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
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Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Bit chilly again tonight.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute