AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
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As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.