A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
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Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
My kitchen overserved me.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.