My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
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IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
I think this should do it.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions