And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
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*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*