“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
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me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED