“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
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“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
describing stardew valley
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
i think both sides are to blame here
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me