The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
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Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
What
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.