According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
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If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Breaking news:
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.