My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
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Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.