*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
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Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.