what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
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*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.