I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Who called it baking and not making love
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
it be like that
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”