Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
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“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.