I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
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“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
How do German people not choke to death when they talk