Come back with a warrant
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Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Baller is short for ballerina
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Vodka burrito was a success
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