[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
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after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour