My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
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My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
knights of the ikea table
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
My god she’s good.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*