Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
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Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
The best shot in the history of golf
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!