My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
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I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something