if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
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You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Proctology is located in A55
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene