Become ungovernable.
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You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?