#Caturday
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Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
How is it still this week?
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”