Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
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The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
WHO DID THIS?
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?