Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
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Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path