[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
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Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”