Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
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Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.