the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
You Might Also Like
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers