*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
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Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that