A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
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People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
A friend sent me this.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Okey dokey.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.