My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
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I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare