hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
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People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.