When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
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My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
me as a parent
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Strangers have the best candy.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths