[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
You Might Also Like
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Cause of death: Zumba
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Same post same
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
this is so top tier i cant
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
j o i m p
synchronized noseblowing
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Thursday Thought.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies