Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
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Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
This is I, Robot all over again
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
I’ll be mad as hell!
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?