[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
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If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Imma just leave this here…………
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
never forget
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10