My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
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What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
I love wikipedia
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I don’t get marriage
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]