You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
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#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person