Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
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How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?