“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
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I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
we’re dead?
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.