How is it still this week?
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If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
called in thicc to work this morning
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.