I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
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Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”